MY SHOE COMMITTMENT VOWS

Finally! The weather in NYC has finally taken a warmer turn, allowing me to shed my cardigans and jackets and pull out the sandals! You will probably be surprised to see me profiling a low sandal with no heel. It is true, I DO love lots of height in my shooze – I am, after all only 5’ 3” tall so I need to take any help I can get. Most people who know me are surprised when I tell them my true height. I say, “You probably think I’m taller because I’m always in 4+ inch heels, right?” To which they usually respond, “No, I think it’s because your voice is so loud and booming, that’s why I assume you are a big person.” Well, whatever the reason, I enjoy my love affair with sky scraper high heels. I like them well enough to splurge ridiculous amounts of money to give me some height, but I have a real problem spending a lot of money on a FLAT shoe. That is why these Hermes lizard sandals – at $ 1,150 a pair - have a very small probability of ever joining the ranks of my shoe collection.

Now, I say VERY SMALL probability. I didn’t rule it out entirely. You see, there is a sliver of a chance that one day I will own them. Let me tell you why. This is a BIG nugget of information about The Mamagirl that I haven’t given you before, so pay attention. I’m about to tell you my real name. There is a slight chance I will own these H sandals because they speak to me, they call out to me, and this is what they say:

“HEIDI, come buy me, love me, nurture me, cherish me for all of eternity, in good times and in bad. Promise to love me without reservation. Stand by my side and I will be with you in mind and in spirit.  Our future together is bright.”

That’s right. These are my very own personalized sandals. This old Eskimo love song speaks eloquently and precisely of how I feel about these sandals

You are my shooze
My feet shall run because of you
My feet dance because of you
My heart shall beat because of you
My eyes see because of you
My mind thinks because of you
And I shall love because of you

It would make a tinsy bit of sense if I lost my mind one day and impulsively bought them because I have a legitimate right to own them and they would be very appropriate on my feet. So, sorry to all my shoe loving friends, but Nina, Donna, Wendy, Kim Marie, Anne E, Candace, Christy, Nancy E, Susana and Genny–these sandals would look stoooopid on you and pardon my French but back the fuck away from MY sandals and go find your own luxe brand of shoe with your monogram to covet. I’m not so worried for Candace and Christy because those cute lil Chanel flats sport your monogram. Genny won’t have a hard time either, as long as she likes the interlocking double Gucci’s Gs. But the rest of you? You may have to go barefoot this summer, sorry.

Hermes, oran lizard sandal, lime