THE MAMAGIRL GETS BULLIED

As you may have guessed, I happen to think that my English bulldog, Wembley, is far more adorable than Angelina’s, Pink’s, Adam’s or Ozzy’s. The only Bully – in my eyes - equally as magnificent as The Mamagirl’s is Beth O’s. That’s right, Beth and I must think alike because had Wembley been in my life 12 years ago, I too would have had her stand up for me as a bridesmaid at my wedding. What, I ask you, is daintier – more feminine – than a big, gorgeous, alabaster bully in a pink tutu? Beth, you are brilliant, your taste is exceptional, I want to meet you, befriend you, and stroll on the avenue with you and our graceful, snowy white bullygurls.

The story of how I became a proud mamagirl to my bully is quite simple. Both of my sisters were knocked up with their third children at the time and my biological clock was a-tickin’. TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK. It was time to sit Jackis down for a chat:

“I want a gurl. Let’s go for it. Now. I’m ready. C’mon. Now. I need some pink in this crazy testosterone filled house.” (TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK.) Well, if you have been following The Mamagirl’s blog, you will have guessed by now that Gus is the equivalent of about five Energizer Bunnies. “No way”, said Jackis, “what if we get another boy? That would be like having a dozen kids”. He had a very valid point...and after much consideration, I acquiesced – but only with the caveat that Jackis would get The Mamagirl a feminine, gurly daughter dog.

My next task was choosing a breed. I had to make sure that she would be child friendly, a good watch dog, somewhat hypoallergenic, shorthaired (I am NOT spending my weekends taking the dog to the groomer...sorry, but I myself, only have time for a twice-a-year haircut), low-maintenance, but really, really loveable. And so, after much research, I found that an English Bulldog would fit in brilliantly with my family. You see, I discovered a characteristic that was intrinsic in the breed that made our commonality a no-brainer. I had something uniquely in common with Bulldog Mamagirls…we both birth our offspring via Caesarean section. That’s right. When I talked to breeders, I found out that most compassionate and responsible breeders do not allow their bitches to have more than two litters in their lifespan and that each litter usually produces no more than two pups. Pups are born via Caesarean section because their heads are so large and it is deemed unkind and cruel to allow a mamagirl bully to vaginally give birth to her offspring. When I learned of this, I knew the breed was the right fit for me. You see, JV and Gus were also born via c-section...but perhaps for a different reason. Their heads were not big – they were normalish 7ish pound babies. The reason is…I belong to the I AM TOO POSH TO PUSH CLUB. Don’t get me wrong... I am super impressed with every mamagirl who has ever pushed for hours and hours and worked her butt off for the most gratifying of all rewards – a beautiful and healthy baby. All I’m saying is that after my firstborn child, where I underwent an emergency vertically cut C-section, I became ineligible for any future VBAC births. I do not feel cheated of an experience of a normal birth. I don’t care how you get to the goal, Dr. Deliveryman, just get in there and put a live, healthy, breathing baby on my belly, please. Gut me like fish if you have to, I can deal with a scar…I don’t give a shit. Just do what you have to do. Oh, and by the way, while you’re sewing and stapling me back up, please remember first to count your instruments and then give me a tummy tuck while you’re down there.

This is the story of how I chose and knew the English Bulldog breed was right for my family. Bullies. They seem to be omnipresent at the moment. They are currently in the NYC windows of gentlemen’s clothing stores, Pink and J. Press. The nation recently watched the Butler Bulldogs give a valiant attempt at the NCAA championships. If you are considering adding a dog to your family, I highly recommend English Bulldogs. They are the smooshiest kind of unconditional love that I know.

Custom painted pet portraiture clogs, The Swanx, www.theswanx.com (with special thanx to Shauna)