Last night, I organized as much as I could to make the morning routine run as fluidly as possible. The one brilliant idea I had was to have the kids sleep with me last night so that I only had to make one – instead of three beds – in the morning. Getting them dressed was going to be a piece of cake because it was Pajama Day at school so all I really had to do with the kids was get them to brush their teeth. I was on top of things, anticipating, thinking ahead. This was going to be easy.
I woke up around 5:45am and went downstairs to feed Wembley. The girl likes to sleep – even when tempted with food – so waking her took longer than I thought. I put the kettle on for my morning caffeine jolt, pulled my Uggs on, put a coat on over my green nightie and went out to take the recycling to the curb while Wembley ate her breakfast. Now, I must say, I’m proud to be a recycler. I believe in it. But I have a dilemma…I’m slightly embarrassed on glass and plastic day because do my neighbors really need to see how much I drink? Everyone is nosey and peeks at what’s in the recycling bins on the curb, so I decided we would just use an old garbage can with a lid. So nobody but the recycling pick up dudes could judge my lush habit. As I dragged the bin to the curb, I hit a residual snow mound and the next thing I knew, the bin tipped over, the lid flew off and challenged me to race around my neighborhood picking up a dozen wine bottles and a case of empty beer bottles. Fuck!*&%$ !! As a result, I’m seriously thinking about no longer being green in order to prevent this from ever happening again.
After I finished cleaning up the intoxication problem, I went inside and leashed Wembley to take her out to do her business. I like to watch her waddle like a little pig when she trots – it gives me a good giggle, so I was in a pretty good mood. Number 1, check. I was just waiting for Number 2. Here it comes. I was ready for it as I prepped the pooper scooper bag and waited patiently for her final shake, indicating that she was done. Good girl. And then, as I scooped…the worst possible thing happened. Yes, that’s right, the bag broke mid-scoop. Fuck Again!*&%$ !! People complain when the condom breaks, but I swear, I’d much rather that the condom breaks than the pooper scooper bag breaks. Yuck.
We get back into the house and it’s time for me wake the kids and shower (I am going to give that nail brush a work out this morning, you can be sure of that). I walk into my bedroom to find that Gus is already awake. But wait, what is he doing? He has his pajama pants pulled down and he is giving his bare ass a massage against my brand new faux-fur throw pillow. “GUS!!! What are you doing?” He looks at me like there is absolutely nothing wrong and tells me that “It Feels Good.” He goes back to self inflicting the bare-ass massage and starts to sing Eye of the Tiger. Only, he doesn’t know the words. Instead, his lyrics go like this: “Nah. Nah Nah Nah. Nah Nah Nah. Nah..Nah..Nahhhhhh… “ As loudly as possible too. JV is also awake and making music. He’s buzzing on the trumpet Down By The Station. The decibel level is booming and it’s not even 6:30am yet. I give up. I jump in and out of the shower, dry my hair and start to get dressed. I fumble through my underwear drawer- I really, really need my comfy, trusty, granny, tattered knickers today. They are nowhere in sight so I sigh thinking they must be in the piles of laundry in the basement that needs to be done.
And then, just as I’m scouring my underwear drawer for an alternative, I find exactly what I need to empower me and give me strength today. I find my BatGirl knickers. A smile spreads across my face as I realize that I’m going to channel my inner superhero gurl today. That’s right. I’m taking over now and nothing is going to phase me for the rest of my day. I go to the closet and pull out my bad-ass shit kicker boots and put them on. Nobody is going to muck with me today. I will not have it. So don't even try and give me shit about how my BatGurl picture is upside down. I know and I can't figure it out, so tough luck and I hope you have a bottoms up day too.
Tory Burch, Donna black leather boots
BatGirl knickers, Top Shop
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