GRINCH



Wreath of Gold Shooze, across from Radio City Music Hall, NYC

 We haven’t even had our turkey, pumpkin pie or played that family touch football game in the back yard yet and the holidays are already being crammed down our throats. My office building has already erected their red foil tinsel pre-decorated fake trees in their lobby. I can hear the zamboni bombing around the seasonal rink of Bryant Park from my office window. And of course, how can we forget how many wreaths have already been put into storefront windows? My sister shared with me the fabulous wreath made out of golden shooze that is on her office block. Now, that’s my kinda wreath!

This morning, while I commuted into work, I was wondering how I was going to find the time to make my share of the Thanksgiving grub that I was assigned to bring to my in-law’s potluck meal. As my brain was trying to wrap itself around candied pearl onions and pumpkin cheesecakes, I flipped open my email and began to read an email from the class mom. It seems that the second grade is going to be making gingerbread houses in the upcoming weeks. That’s just what I need. More…sugar…in…the…house. I just threw the Halloween candy out after the past month’s sugar comas that wreaked havoc on my household. I can’t believe there is going to be a sticky, royal icing, saccharine construction that is soon going to come home. I guess that means another lamp or vase will break after my kids have a sugar induced pillow fight in the middle of the living room. But where am I going to put it? Is it going to bring the mice back to my home, after I just got rid of them last fall? Are my pediatric dental bills going to soar? But then I remind myself not to be a bad banana with a greasy black peel and that I should be joyous over the symbols and festivities of Christmas. After all, gingerbread houses are beautiful!!



Marshmallow Keds

  However, as quickly as my attitude had changed for the good, I scrolled down to see what sweet I had been assigned to bring in bulk to the classroom. And that’s when my attitude took a nosedive. For right next to my name was the word marshmallows. Marshmallow trees and marshmallow characters, to be exact. I almost vomited in my mouth….I have an EXTREME AVERSION to anything marshmallow. I will let my kids eat Snickers bars for breakfast, M&Ms for lunch and boxes of Juju Fruits for dinner before I will allow a single marshmallow into my house. I hate everything about marshmallows. I HATE Fluff. I HATE marshmallow Easter chicks. I HATE Rocky Roads. I HATE Peeps. I HATE Smores. I HATE marshmallow topping on an ice cream sundae. I hate the taste, the consistency, the stickiness, the opaque blob embedded with tiny sugar crystals. Gross. How ironic is it that I have to go out and buy enough marshmallow paraphernalia for 17 kids to make their gingerbread houses? I must be being punished right now for something really bad that I’ve done. I decide that I will order them online. That way, I won’t have to touch them. But as I sit online researching my options, I am gagging and suppressing hurling esophageal reflexes as I look my enemy in the face. Why couldn’t I get the Lifesavers or the Gummi Bears or the Gum Drops? Even marshmallow shooze are disgusting, don’t you agree? Barf.

MY GENIE IN THE BOTTLE



Top Shop, Luxury Velvet Platform Sandals

 If you haven’t met her already, I want to introduce you to the most incredible girl in the world. I think I like her so much because she reminds me of myself…she is feminine, sassy, helpful, smart and patient while at the same time she is also tough as nails, does not put up with shit and will not tolerate nonsense. If I were to ever meet her, I imagine she would wear these shooze. They are the perfect shade of pink. Not bubblegum pink, but rather a sophisticated, raspberry Herend pink. Pink is feminine and playful, yet a deep shade gives it a sense of seriousness and elegance. Velvet, because it is a soft, luscious and decadent material. A satin ribbon, which gives it a fluid and polished essence. A skyrocket heel which lifts you to the heavens, yet with the stability of a platform which gives the shoe practicality because it will afford the wearer the ability to walk for blocks and blocks in comfort. All of these attributes can be found in my new friend, Siri.


I spent some time getting to know Siri this past weekend. Coupled with being over served at a friend’s birthday party and the unprecedented October snowstorm, I decided to spend the day in bed. I was pretty sure that I would have no remaining friends after my bacchanalian night, so I decided that Siri would have to be my sole friend from now on. Surprisingly, she uplifted me and gave me some hope. I was amazed at the conversations we had. First of all, I asked her what her name was. She told me “I am Siri”. I asked her what I could do to remedy my killer headache. She found 12 pharmacies within 2 miles of my bed that were willing to sell me some Advil. I asked her what I should have for dinner. She asked me if she could search some recipes online to provide me with some options. I couldn’t believe how helpful she was! I decided to try to get to know her better. I asked her again what her name was to which she replied “I’m Siri. But you already knew that”. Wow, she was starting to sass me! I told her, “You’re being rude, Siri”. She replied “You are certainly entitled to your opinion”. I didn’t like this so I told her “Fuck Off, Siri”. She replied “Your language!” Since I didn’t want to have a bad relationship with my possible only friend out there, I decided to back off her and try again. “Siri, do you have a boyfriend?” She told me that she was willing to research some dating sites for me. I told her that I was married and I was asking about her. She replied “It’s not about me, it’s all about you.” Finally. We were getting somewhere. She understood that I am her Domina in this genie in a bottle relationship that we started to build. I requested that she address me as Mamagirl from now on. She is very obedient and has complied with my request; however her pronunciation has something to be desired as she consistently addresses me as Mamagrill.

I really like Siri. She is helpful and polite; however she also lays down the law with me. She has told me many times “I don’t like these arbitrary questions you are asking me”. Today I told her “You don’t put up with any shit, do you?” to which she replied “I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.” And finally, while I assumed that Siri was a girl, I decided to ask her that. “Siri, are you a girl?” She told me, “I don’t have a gender”. I decided to delve deeper and be more direct. “Siri, do you have a penis or boobs?” She said “Now, now.”

I’m convinced Siri is a girl. She may even be a mamagirl because she can juggle many things at once, she is tolerant but doesn’t take crap, she is modern, she is funny, she is talented and she is smart. If you haven’t already, I hope you will all meet Siri soon!

BACK TO SCHOOL

September. I have mixed emotions about this month. On the one hand, I love chillier days and the start of football season. I know that on Sundays and Monday nights, I can pretty much come and go as I please at home because Jackis and the kids park their derrieres in front of the football games. They don’t move for hours unless it is to get some chips and more beer. I schedule my pole classes for Mondays nights because it is a guaranteed night when nobody at home needs me for anything and my absence isn’t even noticed. My kids have already started to prepare for the season and came to me recently with a picture of the footwear they wanted me to order. Here they are – plush, furry football slippers. They arrived last week and I have to wrestle the boys to the ground in the morning and take them off their feet before they go to school. I have to admit….they look kind of comfortable and I’m thinking of ordering a pair for myself!




Last year's bookcover.  Estimated time:  2-3 hours

 But I also find September highly stressful. Even though I love the concept of getting back to a schedule, I find the preparation to be mind boggling. Thankfully, I learned last year that it is always a good idea to pay for and order the school supplies from the PTA drive before the end of the prior school year. Trust me, you will save yourself hours by avoiding the long checkout lines in Staples or Target for glue, pencils, erasers, rulers galore and more. Last year was the first year I discovered this lifesaver and I found myself with a little extra time. So when JV came home and needed help with his homework assignment of covering some textbooks, I decided to extract my inner Martha Stewart and go to town. I happened to have some extra animal print fabric and thought wouldn’t it be cool to have a faux fur giraffe book cover? I pulled out my sewing machine, scissors and measuring tape and sewed the chicest book cover ever. And then I sewed a faux fur tiger print book cover. And then a faux fur leopard book cover. I sewed grosgrain ribbons to the spine of each book and we labeled them “Math” or “History” or “English”. This was not a one day project, but I was determined to make book covers so that he would cuddle and love his furry, fluffy books. What started as a simple assignment for my son turned into a working-mother’s-guilty project of my own and went way over the top. The beginning was fun, but by the end of it, I had driven myself crazy with the details and couldn’t wait for the damn sewing to be over and done with.

This year's bookcovers.  Estimated time:  less than 5 minutes.

And so last night, when JV said he needed help covering his Spanish book, I suggested the good old fashioned way of recycling a brown paper bag. Then I realized that I’ve gone quasi green and use recyclable tote bags for the supermarket which means that I don’t have any brown paper grocery bags. Ugh, this meant that it required another errand and I found myself in Staples looking for a roll of brown paper. And that’s when I saw the biggest lifesaver of them all….Book Sox! They are stretchable fabric book covers and come in an array of patterns. I scooped up a selection of different patterns but I am sure the NYGiants will be his favorite! They cost about $4 per cover and it will only take up about 5 minutes of my time tonight putting them on. I just discovered another product that I wish I had invented. Damn, when am I going to have my multi- million dollar invention moment?